Losing perspective

There are days when I am in pain and performing routine tasks can become difficult. There are days when I itch and still dont know why. I have to date, followed all the medical advice given to me. While this ugly disease progresses and I deal with the fact that I am mortal there are still aspects I cant grasp and dont want to.

I feel so guilty. I willingly walked into this. I willingly returned and entered without a thought of me, without a thought of them. What will they think of me when they are grown? adults, on their own and someone repeats those ugly words "you knew your job was dangerous". What will they think of their mother then?

It's not a woe me trip but what type of legacy have I left. Sometimes I feel as if I am loosing perspective while I navigate this in my head on my own. Counseling was so much help but the insurance wont do much for me. No counselor in the world works for free. So at times I loose perspective and feel lost, empty and dizzy, very alone and totally disturbed. This is not the stuff I can share with anyone because that brings more guilt. Eventually it will hurt them too. What kind of person would want to inflict this on another? not me...because if I don't deserve it, no one should. This is not a box of chocolates for sharing.

When I feel anger, rage, disappointment, hurt, pain and need to share it, the only one always here is the page, the keys and the space I throw it out on to. There is no glory in rage, no peace in anger, no joy in pain and no way to share it. So I am tormented by my thoughts and my guilt. I sit alone. Quietly.

uncivilized neighbors

I will tell you more later but my neighbor is hell bent on getting me arrested. Cops have been here two days in a row.

He is claiming I tresspassed on his property. First by cutting the grass on his side of the property and today because my dog dug out some of his dirt by getting under the fence. Somehow, he claims, either I did or had someone climb over his fence and open his gate going in his back yard.

Just the day after he posted NO Tresspassing signs. Hmmmm how convenient since in Oklahoma if its posted, no one can go behind the signs. I didnt know that!

Anyway, he is insisting we did it. Went in his yard for something. That my dogs broke my fence and that they dug dirt up on his side while digging under on purpose to tresspass.

SO WHAT's THE CRIME?

In a million years I wont get it.

So he told the cops, he is going to fix my fence and we are not allowed over there.

I told the cops he is NOT to touch my fence, its on my property. I dont need him suing me for anything because he insists on fixing my fence and will probably claim he was injured during repairs. We can fix it from our side thank you. It wont be easy but it can be done.

This is total insanity. He is sick!

The cop thought my dogs were vicious. I had to show him how nice Scooby is. He couldnt believe he wasnt lunging or barking at a cop.

It's all about the politics I told him. He doesnt like my politics and he is hell bent on making life hell for us. He just wants me arrested. I cant afford to sell so I have to put up with the insane neighbor. I got surveillance camera's to protect me from him and other nut jobs who hate Michael Moore. It doesnt help me any when Michael Moore is all over the news over Capitalism: a Love Story.

So I am thinking, we need to get a very large group of people together here in OKC to see the movie. Then you can all come over to my house and have a discussion about it.

I'll treat to soft drinks and snacks (pop corn and chips).

He is just a grown up version of the school bully. oh he is a teacher so he has been studying bully tactics a long time!


Oh and my flowers blowing on his side of the property and the grass clippings blowing over there is also tresspassing but at least the cop was able to explain, its an act of God.