How to tell a cheater

1. leaves the phone in the car or turns it off
2. doesnt answer the phone when with you
3. doesnt introduce you to friends or family (cant because it would give it all away)
4. doesnt call you by your name, so there is no confusion
5. doesnt take you out, tries to eat in or goes to out of the way places
6. emergencies suddenly appear
7. whereabouts are unexplained
8. all of sudden many friends need favors or needs more time alone or away from you
9. jealousy shows up that was not there before (projecting on you the lack of trust we should have on them)
10. becomes obsessed with appearance and dresses up more than usual
11. frequently picks fights or accuses you of flirting when you are not
12. drinks or eats out with friends or for businesses
13. develops a new sports watching or other social activity that excludes you
14. claims to have to work late and looks for text messages
15.behavior changes are obvious enough for friends to start asking "whats wrong?"

The blank page

The Blank Page is full of the things that ink bring on the blank page which come from my head and my heart. Recently, I was hurt by a someone who referred to my mind as blank page. Since I didnt share what was on my mind, they thought I had not much to say. When they read my blog, they know I had two misspelled words and thoughts that flowed from the blank page now filled with virtual ink. The ink I created from liquid tears and blood from my broken heart.

While I dont know where the mussings my mind blows into tornadoes of thoughts will take me. I hope it is to a place of warmth and comfort. Shedding my thoughts while building a spider web of feelings intertwined into graphic pictures exhibiting my tormented mind exhorcizes my demons, chelates my soul and liberates my heart.

Slowly, real slowly I heal and leave behind love kisses on my thoughts for my children and others to read.

I am not a blank page, but the sorrow would not be here if I was a blank page. How I wish I was a blank page.

From the darkness within listening to my soul trying to mend itself from sorrow

It is a sadness that fills my soul which makes me feel my own mortality every time a colleague responder dies from a 9/11 related illness.

Today the news that Tony died made me look within to mend my soul from this sorrow. In the darkness of the ache, I found the horrible loneliness which only those of who are sick from our line of duty exposure can understand. The lonelines of feeling our own mortality knocking on heaven's door like the song says. While at times my heartache is profound and the sorrow is incomprehensibly repeating the tragedy once again, I use it to keep me motivated so I don't crumble. With the help of my friends, I slowly mend, lick my wounds, stand up and step forward to another day. Sometimes my friend Margarita comes over and muddle through the darkness of the painful night into a quiet stillness that brings me into the solitude of slumber because for me there is no shoulder to cry on. In the darkness with tremendous stillness, I stay quietly awaiting daybreak. Spitting letters on a page through those long moments of silence help me reach the daylight that most often aluminates the tunnel so I can emerge from my wounded soul.

Tonight, again I listened to my wounded soul as it lamented the loss of another brother who no doubt is playing at the pocker table talking about jobs missed, jobs well done and lessons we pass onto the rookies after punking them for laughs. We have to laugh, use our minds, plot a laugh on another's face to help us keep the faith that tomorrow, is not just another day, but a day to enjoy our life.

Tonight, Tony is at the big table, playing pocker and eating sandwiches until the next job.