Losing perspective

There are days when I am in pain and performing routine tasks can become difficult. There are days when I itch and still dont know why. I have to date, followed all the medical advice given to me. While this ugly disease progresses and I deal with the fact that I am mortal there are still aspects I cant grasp and dont want to.

I feel so guilty. I willingly walked into this. I willingly returned and entered without a thought of me, without a thought of them. What will they think of me when they are grown? adults, on their own and someone repeats those ugly words "you knew your job was dangerous". What will they think of their mother then?

It's not a woe me trip but what type of legacy have I left. Sometimes I feel as if I am loosing perspective while I navigate this in my head on my own. Counseling was so much help but the insurance wont do much for me. No counselor in the world works for free. So at times I loose perspective and feel lost, empty and dizzy, very alone and totally disturbed. This is not the stuff I can share with anyone because that brings more guilt. Eventually it will hurt them too. What kind of person would want to inflict this on another? not me...because if I don't deserve it, no one should. This is not a box of chocolates for sharing.

When I feel anger, rage, disappointment, hurt, pain and need to share it, the only one always here is the page, the keys and the space I throw it out on to. There is no glory in rage, no peace in anger, no joy in pain and no way to share it. So I am tormented by my thoughts and my guilt. I sit alone. Quietly.