There are days when I am in pain and performing routine tasks can become difficult. There are days when I itch and still dont know why. I have to date, followed all the medical advice given to me. While this ugly disease progresses and I deal with the fact that I am mortal there are still aspects I cant grasp and dont want to.
I feel so guilty. I willingly walked into this. I willingly returned and entered without a thought of me, without a thought of them. What will they think of me when they are grown? adults, on their own and someone repeats those ugly words "you knew your job was dangerous". What will they think of their mother then?
It's not a woe me trip but what type of legacy have I left. Sometimes I feel as if I am loosing perspective while I navigate this in my head on my own. Counseling was so much help but the insurance wont do much for me. No counselor in the world works for free. So at times I loose perspective and feel lost, empty and dizzy, very alone and totally disturbed. This is not the stuff I can share with anyone because that brings more guilt. Eventually it will hurt them too. What kind of person would want to inflict this on another? not me...because if I don't deserve it, no one should. This is not a box of chocolates for sharing.
When I feel anger, rage, disappointment, hurt, pain and need to share it, the only one always here is the page, the keys and the space I throw it out on to. There is no glory in rage, no peace in anger, no joy in pain and no way to share it. So I am tormented by my thoughts and my guilt. I sit alone. Quietly.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
uncivilized neighbors
I will tell you more later but my neighbor is hell bent on getting me arrested. Cops have been here two days in a row.
He is claiming I tresspassed on his property. First by cutting the grass on his side of the property and today because my dog dug out some of his dirt by getting under the fence. Somehow, he claims, either I did or had someone climb over his fence and open his gate going in his back yard.
Just the day after he posted NO Tresspassing signs. Hmmmm how convenient since in Oklahoma if its posted, no one can go behind the signs. I didnt know that!
Anyway, he is insisting we did it. Went in his yard for something. That my dogs broke my fence and that they dug dirt up on his side while digging under on purpose to tresspass.
SO WHAT's THE CRIME?
In a million years I wont get it.
So he told the cops, he is going to fix my fence and we are not allowed over there.
I told the cops he is NOT to touch my fence, its on my property. I dont need him suing me for anything because he insists on fixing my fence and will probably claim he was injured during repairs. We can fix it from our side thank you. It wont be easy but it can be done.
This is total insanity. He is sick!
The cop thought my dogs were vicious. I had to show him how nice Scooby is. He couldnt believe he wasnt lunging or barking at a cop.
It's all about the politics I told him. He doesnt like my politics and he is hell bent on making life hell for us. He just wants me arrested. I cant afford to sell so I have to put up with the insane neighbor. I got surveillance camera's to protect me from him and other nut jobs who hate Michael Moore. It doesnt help me any when Michael Moore is all over the news over Capitalism: a Love Story.
So I am thinking, we need to get a very large group of people together here in OKC to see the movie. Then you can all come over to my house and have a discussion about it.
I'll treat to soft drinks and snacks (pop corn and chips).
He is just a grown up version of the school bully. oh he is a teacher so he has been studying bully tactics a long time!
Oh and my flowers blowing on his side of the property and the grass clippings blowing over there is also tresspassing but at least the cop was able to explain, its an act of God.
He is claiming I tresspassed on his property. First by cutting the grass on his side of the property and today because my dog dug out some of his dirt by getting under the fence. Somehow, he claims, either I did or had someone climb over his fence and open his gate going in his back yard.
Just the day after he posted NO Tresspassing signs. Hmmmm how convenient since in Oklahoma if its posted, no one can go behind the signs. I didnt know that!
Anyway, he is insisting we did it. Went in his yard for something. That my dogs broke my fence and that they dug dirt up on his side while digging under on purpose to tresspass.
SO WHAT's THE CRIME?
In a million years I wont get it.
So he told the cops, he is going to fix my fence and we are not allowed over there.
I told the cops he is NOT to touch my fence, its on my property. I dont need him suing me for anything because he insists on fixing my fence and will probably claim he was injured during repairs. We can fix it from our side thank you. It wont be easy but it can be done.
This is total insanity. He is sick!
The cop thought my dogs were vicious. I had to show him how nice Scooby is. He couldnt believe he wasnt lunging or barking at a cop.
It's all about the politics I told him. He doesnt like my politics and he is hell bent on making life hell for us. He just wants me arrested. I cant afford to sell so I have to put up with the insane neighbor. I got surveillance camera's to protect me from him and other nut jobs who hate Michael Moore. It doesnt help me any when Michael Moore is all over the news over Capitalism: a Love Story.
So I am thinking, we need to get a very large group of people together here in OKC to see the movie. Then you can all come over to my house and have a discussion about it.
I'll treat to soft drinks and snacks (pop corn and chips).
He is just a grown up version of the school bully. oh he is a teacher so he has been studying bully tactics a long time!
Oh and my flowers blowing on his side of the property and the grass clippings blowing over there is also tresspassing but at least the cop was able to explain, its an act of God.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
How to tell a cheater
1. leaves the phone in the car or turns it off
2. doesnt answer the phone when with you
3. doesnt introduce you to friends or family (cant because it would give it all away)
4. doesnt call you by your name, so there is no confusion
5. doesnt take you out, tries to eat in or goes to out of the way places
6. emergencies suddenly appear
7. whereabouts are unexplained
8. all of sudden many friends need favors or needs more time alone or away from you
9. jealousy shows up that was not there before (projecting on you the lack of trust we should have on them)
10. becomes obsessed with appearance and dresses up more than usual
11. frequently picks fights or accuses you of flirting when you are not
12. drinks or eats out with friends or for businesses
13. develops a new sports watching or other social activity that excludes you
14. claims to have to work late and looks for text messages
15.behavior changes are obvious enough for friends to start asking "whats wrong?"
2. doesnt answer the phone when with you
3. doesnt introduce you to friends or family (cant because it would give it all away)
4. doesnt call you by your name, so there is no confusion
5. doesnt take you out, tries to eat in or goes to out of the way places
6. emergencies suddenly appear
7. whereabouts are unexplained
8. all of sudden many friends need favors or needs more time alone or away from you
9. jealousy shows up that was not there before (projecting on you the lack of trust we should have on them)
10. becomes obsessed with appearance and dresses up more than usual
11. frequently picks fights or accuses you of flirting when you are not
12. drinks or eats out with friends or for businesses
13. develops a new sports watching or other social activity that excludes you
14. claims to have to work late and looks for text messages
15.behavior changes are obvious enough for friends to start asking "whats wrong?"
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
The blank page
The Blank Page is full of the things that ink bring on the blank page which come from my head and my heart. Recently, I was hurt by a someone who referred to my mind as blank page. Since I didnt share what was on my mind, they thought I had not much to say. When they read my blog, they know I had two misspelled words and thoughts that flowed from the blank page now filled with virtual ink. The ink I created from liquid tears and blood from my broken heart.
While I dont know where the mussings my mind blows into tornadoes of thoughts will take me. I hope it is to a place of warmth and comfort. Shedding my thoughts while building a spider web of feelings intertwined into graphic pictures exhibiting my tormented mind exhorcizes my demons, chelates my soul and liberates my heart.
Slowly, real slowly I heal and leave behind love kisses on my thoughts for my children and others to read.
I am not a blank page, but the sorrow would not be here if I was a blank page. How I wish I was a blank page.
While I dont know where the mussings my mind blows into tornadoes of thoughts will take me. I hope it is to a place of warmth and comfort. Shedding my thoughts while building a spider web of feelings intertwined into graphic pictures exhibiting my tormented mind exhorcizes my demons, chelates my soul and liberates my heart.
Slowly, real slowly I heal and leave behind love kisses on my thoughts for my children and others to read.
I am not a blank page, but the sorrow would not be here if I was a blank page. How I wish I was a blank page.
From the darkness within listening to my soul trying to mend itself from sorrow
It is a sadness that fills my soul which makes me feel my own mortality every time a colleague responder dies from a 9/11 related illness.
Today the news that Tony died made me look within to mend my soul from this sorrow. In the darkness of the ache, I found the horrible loneliness which only those of who are sick from our line of duty exposure can understand. The lonelines of feeling our own mortality knocking on heaven's door like the song says. While at times my heartache is profound and the sorrow is incomprehensibly repeating the tragedy once again, I use it to keep me motivated so I don't crumble. With the help of my friends, I slowly mend, lick my wounds, stand up and step forward to another day. Sometimes my friend Margarita comes over and muddle through the darkness of the painful night into a quiet stillness that brings me into the solitude of slumber because for me there is no shoulder to cry on. In the darkness with tremendous stillness, I stay quietly awaiting daybreak. Spitting letters on a page through those long moments of silence help me reach the daylight that most often aluminates the tunnel so I can emerge from my wounded soul.
Tonight, again I listened to my wounded soul as it lamented the loss of another brother who no doubt is playing at the pocker table talking about jobs missed, jobs well done and lessons we pass onto the rookies after punking them for laughs. We have to laugh, use our minds, plot a laugh on another's face to help us keep the faith that tomorrow, is not just another day, but a day to enjoy our life.
Tonight, Tony is at the big table, playing pocker and eating sandwiches until the next job.
Today the news that Tony died made me look within to mend my soul from this sorrow. In the darkness of the ache, I found the horrible loneliness which only those of who are sick from our line of duty exposure can understand. The lonelines of feeling our own mortality knocking on heaven's door like the song says. While at times my heartache is profound and the sorrow is incomprehensibly repeating the tragedy once again, I use it to keep me motivated so I don't crumble. With the help of my friends, I slowly mend, lick my wounds, stand up and step forward to another day. Sometimes my friend Margarita comes over and muddle through the darkness of the painful night into a quiet stillness that brings me into the solitude of slumber because for me there is no shoulder to cry on. In the darkness with tremendous stillness, I stay quietly awaiting daybreak. Spitting letters on a page through those long moments of silence help me reach the daylight that most often aluminates the tunnel so I can emerge from my wounded soul.
Tonight, again I listened to my wounded soul as it lamented the loss of another brother who no doubt is playing at the pocker table talking about jobs missed, jobs well done and lessons we pass onto the rookies after punking them for laughs. We have to laugh, use our minds, plot a laugh on another's face to help us keep the faith that tomorrow, is not just another day, but a day to enjoy our life.
Tonight, Tony is at the big table, playing pocker and eating sandwiches until the next job.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
The Bucket List by a 9/11 survivor rescue worker
I've seen the marlevous performance of both, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. A friend recommended I see it after a heated discussion about my list of things to accomplish being so incredibly long.
I've decided to post my list (in the works) but I am leaving out the things accomplished.
1. find a nicer neighborhood to live in without selfish nasty neighbors who steal from each other
2. Start a PTSD support group in OKC (like AA with regular meetings)
3. Experience another sunset in Menemsha
4. Spend a week with Marie and all the nephews and niece on Martha's Vineyard loving earth, the beach & New England life so I can show them where Dorothy West lived and where Alfred Eisenstadt lived
5. Find a few old friends: Dennis Hearne (USMC, attended Hunter College, CUNY, originally from Brooklyn) jay Lippman, Irene, Estelle, Shameem, and meet up for dinner with our other college buddies in NYC, Chris Johnson, from the 75 house, my step dad George
6. go to a thanksgiving day Macy's parade again with the kids and the Puerto Rican day parade
7. Testify in front of congress and the president about the hardships of 9/11 sick and dying rescue workers or influence Oprah to do a show on it so more people than in congress could hear
8.go home to Puerto Rico for a visit
9.teach my son to be a better reader
10.have one dinner with my sisters, mom & cousins on a dinner cruise (lol holding them hostage so they have to be polite and have a conversation) like a family reunion we havent had in 30 yrs
11. leave positive foot prints behind and some awesome photos
12. travel as a photo journalist to Cuba and a few other places
13.have more photos published
14.graduate from college (12 credits missing for my degree from Hunter)
15.leave my kids a college opportunity
16.help homeless veterans, katrina survivors and 9/11 homeless responders
17.get back to 135 lbs (ya'll stop laughing)
18.get our second children's book published
19.go someplace I never expected to go
20.honor my 9/11 fallen colleagues and other people in a memorable unique way
21.have an incrdible night of sinful sex
22.take a few dance lessons and do a tango
23.own my own bike again
24.find the second internet stalker and smash their fingers so they cant use them for a few months (i know this is not a positive do good feeling but anyone who posts they want to harm me and the kids deserves at the very least not to use the body parts used for threats, so the brain should also be smashed)
25.get kissed at midnight on new years eve in a way it makes my toes curl
I've decided to post my list (in the works) but I am leaving out the things accomplished.
1. find a nicer neighborhood to live in without selfish nasty neighbors who steal from each other
2. Start a PTSD support group in OKC (like AA with regular meetings)
3. Experience another sunset in Menemsha
4. Spend a week with Marie and all the nephews and niece on Martha's Vineyard loving earth, the beach & New England life so I can show them where Dorothy West lived and where Alfred Eisenstadt lived
5. Find a few old friends: Dennis Hearne (USMC, attended Hunter College, CUNY, originally from Brooklyn) jay Lippman, Irene, Estelle, Shameem, and meet up for dinner with our other college buddies in NYC, Chris Johnson, from the 75 house, my step dad George
6. go to a thanksgiving day Macy's parade again with the kids and the Puerto Rican day parade
7. Testify in front of congress and the president about the hardships of 9/11 sick and dying rescue workers or influence Oprah to do a show on it so more people than in congress could hear
8.go home to Puerto Rico for a visit
9.teach my son to be a better reader
10.have one dinner with my sisters, mom & cousins on a dinner cruise (lol holding them hostage so they have to be polite and have a conversation) like a family reunion we havent had in 30 yrs
11. leave positive foot prints behind and some awesome photos
12. travel as a photo journalist to Cuba and a few other places
13.have more photos published
14.graduate from college (12 credits missing for my degree from Hunter)
15.leave my kids a college opportunity
16.help homeless veterans, katrina survivors and 9/11 homeless responders
17.get back to 135 lbs (ya'll stop laughing)
18.get our second children's book published
19.go someplace I never expected to go
20.honor my 9/11 fallen colleagues and other people in a memorable unique way
21.have an incrdible night of sinful sex
22.take a few dance lessons and do a tango
23.own my own bike again
24.find the second internet stalker and smash their fingers so they cant use them for a few months (i know this is not a positive do good feeling but anyone who posts they want to harm me and the kids deserves at the very least not to use the body parts used for threats, so the brain should also be smashed)
25.get kissed at midnight on new years eve in a way it makes my toes curl
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