From the darkness within listening to my soul trying to mend itself from sorrow

It is a sadness that fills my soul which makes me feel my own mortality every time a colleague responder dies from a 9/11 related illness.

Today the news that Tony died made me look within to mend my soul from this sorrow. In the darkness of the ache, I found the horrible loneliness which only those of who are sick from our line of duty exposure can understand. The lonelines of feeling our own mortality knocking on heaven's door like the song says. While at times my heartache is profound and the sorrow is incomprehensibly repeating the tragedy once again, I use it to keep me motivated so I don't crumble. With the help of my friends, I slowly mend, lick my wounds, stand up and step forward to another day. Sometimes my friend Margarita comes over and muddle through the darkness of the painful night into a quiet stillness that brings me into the solitude of slumber because for me there is no shoulder to cry on. In the darkness with tremendous stillness, I stay quietly awaiting daybreak. Spitting letters on a page through those long moments of silence help me reach the daylight that most often aluminates the tunnel so I can emerge from my wounded soul.

Tonight, again I listened to my wounded soul as it lamented the loss of another brother who no doubt is playing at the pocker table talking about jobs missed, jobs well done and lessons we pass onto the rookies after punking them for laughs. We have to laugh, use our minds, plot a laugh on another's face to help us keep the faith that tomorrow, is not just another day, but a day to enjoy our life.

Tonight, Tony is at the big table, playing pocker and eating sandwiches until the next job.